Migrane and meta on writing.
Feb. 26th, 2007 05:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
linden_jayI have had a headache for twelve hours now. TWELVE HOURS. Ow, no more caps, I swear, even typed shouting hurts my brain. I've tried everything so far, from downing mass amounts of water to taking more than the recommended dosage of Acetaminophen with codeine, to more water, to making the AH give me a massage to try and break up the tension--nothing's giving. If I've worked myself up into a stress migraine from the past week or so, I won't be entirely surprised, but I will be completely pissed off about it. And when I try and lie down to sleep it off, I get dizzy and nauseous, so that isn't working, so, here I am, trying to write my way out of my brain and try and talk out some of the stress that's been gathering for awhile.
I'm not writing well lately. Or, well... that's not exactly it. It's not the writing that's the problem, it's the process. Sometimes, it's working fine, and it's all flowing, and I don't have a problem. And then I'll go to write something else, and bam, I hit a wall. Totally blocked, just staring at words on the screen like they're ants or some other kind of bugs. And sometimes I can battle past it, and I'm hoping like hell that the fact that it's such a damned struggle isn't showing up in the writing, 'cause that's just one more thing for me to stress about that isn't gonna help it get any better. So the writing itself might be fine, might not be fine, but whichever it is, the process is kicking my ass.
And that's not something I'm used to. Writing is the thing that's supposed to come easily to me. And maybe I've taken that for granted. I'm not a solo writer, I've never been a solo writer, and I'm sure that writers block, getting stalled, whatever it is that's happening here, I'm sure it happens. I mean, I know it happens, I see people talking about it all the time. But when you cowrite like I do, with a series of regular writing partners, and an extended group of people that you may not write with all the time, but still pretty often, and you're sitting there and they're waiting for you to reply and you've just got nothing... it sucks. And I'm so used to it not being a problem that it freaks me out that I'm having a problem with it now.
For those who are newer or don't know, most of my writing takes place now in different role playing games, as opposed to standard FPS or RPS writing. It's really pretty much the same, only not. Clear as mud, right? The games that I'm in, they're fic based, so the easiest way to think of them is like a series of WIP's. It's all actor slash, RPS, and there's a set universe, some of the characters are heavily AU, some of them are fairly close to their RP personas. And they interact with other characters, written mostly by other people (this is where the I don't write solo part comes into it) and the story just keeps on going. And there are as many different ways to write and participate in games like these as there are people who write and play in them.
Some people approach it as writing, pure and simple, just the same as any other writing endeavour except with a cowriter involved. Some people see it as gaming, and don't consider themselves writers at all. Some people are more description based, some are more about dialogue than others (this would be how it's just the same as standard FPS and RPS, right here). It all depends on where you got your start, really. Me, I jumped into writing in an RPG with no fandom writing experience whatsoever. I'd been reading fanfic for about four or five months, I had an English Minor. And I've got a Theatre Major, with a big focus on improv during my training.
And that's really how I write, when I write, and a big reason why I cowrite. For me, it's text based improv, edited and written up all pretty, and my reactions, my dialogue, my everything is going to be action/reaction between me and my cowriter(s). It's also why I'm most comfortable writing in AIM or Yahoo... the immediacy, the instant reaction from having the other person right there, waiting for a response, it's very comfortable to me because I can link it directly back to something that I was trained to do. I've gotten better at less-immediate methods, back and forth in gmail, taking turns in writely, but it's the quick back and forth, the real banter where I end up the most at home.
And lately, I'm not writing well. It's not coming as easily, and maybe like I said, I took it for granted, but it's maddening and it's unnerving and it's taking away something that's been my happy-fun-safe-place by making it work. And it's not always, not everything, but some stuff, I just can't make it work.
If there's anyone who's known for writing about writers, it's Aaron Sorkin, which is why I keep saying that I'm having a 'Toby' day (The West Wing), or a 'Matt' moment (Studio 60). There's an episode in Fourth season of The West Wing where Toby's really struggling, and I keep quoting it to people because it just sums up what I'm feeling like right now, a lot of the time.
I don't understand what's going on. I really don't. I've had slumps before. Everybody does, but this is different. I'm sorry, we don't know each other, but there aren't that many people I can talk to about it. I don't understand what's happening. There's no blood going to it. I never had to locate it before. I don't even know where to look.
Part of me is really hoping that just by typing all this out, getting it out of my head and somewhere that I can look at it, the switch will flip again, and I'll be back to normal, and I'll feel kind of silly for having just babbled out a big string of nonsense about feeling like I'm not writing well. And it's not really a vanity thing... I'm not seeking affirmation that I don't suck or I haven't been sucking, because really, it's more been about the process than the product this time, and it's the process that's kicking my ass. And I don't understand what's happening. I've never had to locate it before. I don't even know where to look.
So, to everyone that I'm writing with right now, you know that thing that people always say about how it's not you, it's me? It's not you, it's me. Also, I'm sorry, and I'm gonna keep poking my brain with a stick until it cooperates like it's supposed to, but until then, it's possible that I'm gonna be scattered and inconsistent, pace-wise. Please, don't take it personally, 'cause it's not.
And if my head could stop hurting, that'd be good too. Thirteen hours.
I'm not writing well lately. Or, well... that's not exactly it. It's not the writing that's the problem, it's the process. Sometimes, it's working fine, and it's all flowing, and I don't have a problem. And then I'll go to write something else, and bam, I hit a wall. Totally blocked, just staring at words on the screen like they're ants or some other kind of bugs. And sometimes I can battle past it, and I'm hoping like hell that the fact that it's such a damned struggle isn't showing up in the writing, 'cause that's just one more thing for me to stress about that isn't gonna help it get any better. So the writing itself might be fine, might not be fine, but whichever it is, the process is kicking my ass.
And that's not something I'm used to. Writing is the thing that's supposed to come easily to me. And maybe I've taken that for granted. I'm not a solo writer, I've never been a solo writer, and I'm sure that writers block, getting stalled, whatever it is that's happening here, I'm sure it happens. I mean, I know it happens, I see people talking about it all the time. But when you cowrite like I do, with a series of regular writing partners, and an extended group of people that you may not write with all the time, but still pretty often, and you're sitting there and they're waiting for you to reply and you've just got nothing... it sucks. And I'm so used to it not being a problem that it freaks me out that I'm having a problem with it now.
For those who are newer or don't know, most of my writing takes place now in different role playing games, as opposed to standard FPS or RPS writing. It's really pretty much the same, only not. Clear as mud, right? The games that I'm in, they're fic based, so the easiest way to think of them is like a series of WIP's. It's all actor slash, RPS, and there's a set universe, some of the characters are heavily AU, some of them are fairly close to their RP personas. And they interact with other characters, written mostly by other people (this is where the I don't write solo part comes into it) and the story just keeps on going. And there are as many different ways to write and participate in games like these as there are people who write and play in them.
Some people approach it as writing, pure and simple, just the same as any other writing endeavour except with a cowriter involved. Some people see it as gaming, and don't consider themselves writers at all. Some people are more description based, some are more about dialogue than others (this would be how it's just the same as standard FPS and RPS, right here). It all depends on where you got your start, really. Me, I jumped into writing in an RPG with no fandom writing experience whatsoever. I'd been reading fanfic for about four or five months, I had an English Minor. And I've got a Theatre Major, with a big focus on improv during my training.
And that's really how I write, when I write, and a big reason why I cowrite. For me, it's text based improv, edited and written up all pretty, and my reactions, my dialogue, my everything is going to be action/reaction between me and my cowriter(s). It's also why I'm most comfortable writing in AIM or Yahoo... the immediacy, the instant reaction from having the other person right there, waiting for a response, it's very comfortable to me because I can link it directly back to something that I was trained to do. I've gotten better at less-immediate methods, back and forth in gmail, taking turns in writely, but it's the quick back and forth, the real banter where I end up the most at home.
And lately, I'm not writing well. It's not coming as easily, and maybe like I said, I took it for granted, but it's maddening and it's unnerving and it's taking away something that's been my happy-fun-safe-place by making it work. And it's not always, not everything, but some stuff, I just can't make it work.
If there's anyone who's known for writing about writers, it's Aaron Sorkin, which is why I keep saying that I'm having a 'Toby' day (The West Wing), or a 'Matt' moment (Studio 60). There's an episode in Fourth season of The West Wing where Toby's really struggling, and I keep quoting it to people because it just sums up what I'm feeling like right now, a lot of the time.
I don't understand what's going on. I really don't. I've had slumps before. Everybody does, but this is different. I'm sorry, we don't know each other, but there aren't that many people I can talk to about it. I don't understand what's happening. There's no blood going to it. I never had to locate it before. I don't even know where to look.
Part of me is really hoping that just by typing all this out, getting it out of my head and somewhere that I can look at it, the switch will flip again, and I'll be back to normal, and I'll feel kind of silly for having just babbled out a big string of nonsense about feeling like I'm not writing well. And it's not really a vanity thing... I'm not seeking affirmation that I don't suck or I haven't been sucking, because really, it's more been about the process than the product this time, and it's the process that's kicking my ass. And I don't understand what's happening. I've never had to locate it before. I don't even know where to look.
So, to everyone that I'm writing with right now, you know that thing that people always say about how it's not you, it's me? It's not you, it's me. Also, I'm sorry, and I'm gonna keep poking my brain with a stick until it cooperates like it's supposed to, but until then, it's possible that I'm gonna be scattered and inconsistent, pace-wise. Please, don't take it personally, 'cause it's not.
And if my head could stop hurting, that'd be good too. Thirteen hours.
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no subject
Date: 2007-02-26 01:41 pm (UTC)I'm not a fan of the idea that we can just sit down and write our way out of bad blocks. Sometimes, ok sometimes it feels like I'm empty of ideas you know? that it isn't that I can't write but that there is nothing to write. All the good ideas have been used it. As Tori Amos might say "some other person took the pink thought bubbles of songs out of the air and left nothing for me."
And sometimes it's like you have to take a break, not because you want to, but you have to. Even if you have things you sort of want to say and it isn't working.
Sometimes I also fel like i have to let really great ideas just go, cause it's not doing me any good to write them.
which is why I have uploaded 41 fics onto my site in the past few days.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-27 11:58 am (UTC)And I've tried to write my way out of a block and I've only ever had limited success. Means that it's time to try something new.
(And it really helps hearing other peoples opinions and perspectives on this, so thank you for that *hugs*)
no subject
Date: 2007-02-27 12:02 pm (UTC)"Don't put your hand in the fire it's hot."
"owww."
I've never been good at taking advice, least of all my own.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-26 02:09 pm (UTC)Thing Two: It happens. And it's scary when it happens, because there's always that terror that it's permanent. But it's not. (And being out of pain would be a good start for you.)
*hugs tight*
no subject
Date: 2007-02-26 06:13 pm (UTC)*hugs* on the other.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-27 12:05 pm (UTC)And on the other, thank you, and *hugs* back. I really appreciate the good thoughts.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-27 01:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-27 12:03 pm (UTC)Thing Two: It is scary, because you never think it's going to happen to you until it is you, and I do get afraid that it's not going to come back. Writing has become so much a part of what I do and who I am, I get a little freaked-twitchy. I'm trying to relax about that and just let it come back in it's own time. And yes, not being in pain=much easier to get anything accomplished.
Thank you and *hugs back*.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-26 03:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-26 03:32 pm (UTC)And if you ever do want to try writing a bit, you know I'm here. :) Perfectly willing to spar a bit!
no subject
Date: 2007-02-27 12:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-27 12:08 pm (UTC)But yes, it really does help, so thank you, and *hugs and MWAH*
no subject
Date: 2007-02-26 03:41 pm (UTC)What I remember? Give yourself a break. Remember this is supposed to be FUN.
If you want to mix things up or do something different, I'm all over that babe. Just let me know - I promise to be around tonight to chatter. MWAH
no subject
Date: 2007-02-27 12:12 pm (UTC)I'm working on the giving myself a break thing. Taking the time to actually enjoy things, and not force myself because I'm worried about expectations.
And talking to you helped so much I can't even like, do the math on it. So thank you for that.
I think that Lorelai would probably do something involving a kicky outfit and alcohol of some kind. I can't say I disapprove of her methods...
MWAH you. Sometime soon we should see about doing that thing with those people. There's fun to be had there. *loves*
no subject
Date: 2007-02-26 05:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-27 12:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-26 07:32 pm (UTC)Re the writing, I think it's something that cones to us all now and then, though it is worse when it usually flows. For me, it is always a bit of an effort. And with you,as others have said, it ceratinly doesn't show. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2007-02-27 12:16 pm (UTC)I think that it's one of those things that you just don't expect to be a problem, right up until the moment when it is. And I'm very lucky that it usually does come to me very easily, so I don't have to work for it, and I think I sometimes take that for granted. I'm going to try and a) relax, and b) not do that anymore. And I'm glad it hasn't been showing... even if it's been more the process melting my head than the output, it still helps to know. MWAH, and thank you *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2007-02-26 07:50 pm (UTC)Pain = inability to do anything very much.
Now go and relax and when you're pain free you'll be fine. RPG has the ability to suck the life blood out of a person. Kick it into touch. It's a good servant but a godawful master.
*hugs very tight*
no subject
Date: 2007-02-27 12:19 pm (UTC)I'm one of those stubborn creatures, you see... pain is one of those things that we aren't supposed to acknowledge... push it down and glare and yell at it and it's supposed to go away and be vanquished. Of course, that's when it turns around and smacks you upside the head to punish you for ignoring being all stressed out and stuff so... yeah, what're you gonna do?
I am being good and drinking ridiculous amounts of water and making sure I stay hydrated and relaxing and yes. Trying not to be RPG's bitch. Because that doesn't do anyone any favors.
*takes v. tight hugs and feels much better* MWAH you. Thank you.