linden_jay: (Baby is sleeping...shhh...)
Okay, we all knew I wasn't gonna make it to 40 weeks. Next to no twin mums do, and chances are, if you make it to 38, you're going to get served an eviction notice. But my guys decided that even 38 was too long for them, and came a full four weeks early, at 36 weeks and, well. 14 and 21 minutes, respectively.

And if I was planning to do a recap of Life With Twins, of my pregnancy, my labour and delivery, you'd think I'd have done it four weeks ago, when the aliens turned one. But it turns out that when aliens turn one, and you invite a whole bunch of people into town to celebrate the mad event, and you're working a new job and are on day 9 of an 11 day stretch, you don't have the time you'd expect to be able to write a post about how Life With Twins is insane. Because, as it turns out... life with twins is too insane. Go figure.

The other mark of how life with twins is insane is that the birth post that I was going to put up? Never exactly materialized. It's funny how you plan to do things, and life just looks at you, pats you on the head, and tells you that you're just so very pretty. So I'm going to do that now, and I'm going to throw it behind a cut, because if we know me, it'll be long, and if you don't want to read potentially TMI-like details regarding birth? I will not be offended if you don't hop behind the cut. I'll be putting up a proper picture post later where I won't talk about placentas at all, I promise, and if you just want to see cute pictures of the Frog and the Monkey, you can scamper off to there.

So. Twelve months ago today was my due date. But thirteen months ago? I had my aliens. )
linden_jay: (Get Fuzzy- Dear Lord Make it stop)
So there was going to be sleep, and then there were babies, and then there wasn't sleep and now I'm going to toss out some of the last of the thinky thoughts that I had relating-but-not-really to the contents of my last post.

That wasn't in any way a coherent sentence, was it? Imma try again. This is tangential. It's definitely a rant. And it's about something that's very much a side note in this whole discussion that's been going on. But it's making my brain do seething, and that's not good for my blood pressure, I'm pretty sure, so I'm gonna try and see if I can make it make sense.

This is one of those things that I'm sure for most of the people that I know is just common sense. In fact, it outright says on the S&P for Wincon that people are not to be douches toward hotel staff (okay, maybe they didn't put it exactly like that, but still). Tip your bell-people and the housekeepers. Be polite to the front desk staff, especially if you're asking them for things. Don't be loud and obnoxious. Don't describe Two Girls, One Cup in the lobby of the hotel, right across from the group of little old men and ladies from the Independent Order of Odd Fellows and Daughters of Rebekah who are checking in for their own convention. Don't drink in public spaces where drinking is not permitted.

And do you know why? Because when you don't? The person whose life you make difficult is me. Yeah, I work in a hotel. )
linden_jay: (Supernatural- This sucks out loud)
A lot of thoughts. And because I don't like cryptic, even when I think everyone knows what I'm talking about, I'm referring to the posts made by [ profile] thenyxie, and the resulting, well. Everything, really, that's come from it. Because it's not just wank anymore. There's been wank, and more wank, and People Not Getting It. There's been people sharing their stories, people gaining strength from each other, people being touched, inspired, disillusioned, disappointed. To draw an odd parallel, just like Wincon is no longer just about Supernatural... this isn't just about what it started being about. It's become pan-something. Panfandom, pan a lot of things.

And since I'm gonna keep talking about it, and linking to it, and talking about other things, I'm gonna jump under a cut now, just to be safe. Back here there will be discussion and links that may be triggering. )

For the past few days, I've read. And I've read, and I've read, and I've read some more... )

Stakes, and why it matters when they don't matter. )

And then there are the people who restore my faith in humanity... )

Wincon again, the scary people who kidnap you from the swingset, and thank yous, to ethrosdemon and coiledsoul in particular... )

I'm tired. I've read a lot over the past few days, and I feel wrung out by it... and that's just from reading people's accounts, people's stories. Seeing people's pain and frustration and rage and wisdom poured out. I feel older, smarter, and I feel dumber. I feel sadder because of the things I've read. I feel hope because of the things I've read. And because of that hope, I want to end positive here. Thank you. Thank you for the people who have shared their stories. Thank you for the people who've stood up and said that things that are not okay are NOT okay. Thank you for the people who step up to back up the people who aren't in a place yet to be able to be the one who stands up. Thank you.

Just thank you.
linden_jay: (Candle)
I wonder if I went back and did a check, how often I'd find that as the lead up phrase in any post I write? Probably it would just depress me if I found out the answer to that. I haven't slept yet--at all--and I still need to go out shopping for jeans, go to a physio appointment, and then--joy of joys--I will be taking the babies on their first airplane ride as we go to visit my grandmother and aunt for a week. My mother's coming with me, I'm not so totally insane to fly with two not-quite-ten-month-olds on my own.

I'll be gone for the better part of a week, and I won't have much access to the internet, although I will be at least checking email, so if anyone needs to get a hold of me, use that, or contact [ profile] fiercy or [ profile] ashinae. They can track me down.

This has been a really tough week for a lot of people I care about. I'm crossposting this, and of course many of you already know this all too well, but for those who don't, we lost [ profile] lunasv to cancer this past week. I have thoughts, and I'm trying to get them in coherent order, and if I do, before I go, I'll post them. For now, I have two things to say. I respected [ profile] lunasv deeply, as a writer, as a person, as a mother, and as a friend, and I wish very much that I'd known her better. The second is, in the words of [ profile] apetslife, fuck cancer. Fuck it so hard. I know that's not a positive or uplifting thought, and I'm usually better at those, but I'm so tired of losing people to it.

Take care of each other, and be good to yourselves. Be at peace.
linden_jay: (Candle)
I have been lucky.

To date, this disease has yet to touch my life, or the life of anyone I know personally. And I think we get complacent, and forget that it isn't just something that happens to someone else, somewhere else. Somewhere that isn't here, and isn't "us". Whatever "us" means.


When my aunt and uncle's marriage was ending, he confessed to her that not only had he had a series of girlfriends/mistresses/whatever the term, but he'd been sleeping with random hookups on pretty much every business trip that he'd taken, which was a lot. That when he couldn't find someone who was willing to have sex with him for free, that he'd paid for it. And that he hadn't always practiced safe sex.

And my entire family, from her children, to my then eighty year old Nana, spent a year holding our breath as she went in for test after retest, until we were finally able to breathe freely again. Negative. She was lucky. Others haven't been.

Please. Support World AIDS Day.

linden_jay: (Poppy)
I am alive today because my great-grandfather was too stubborn to die.

He was with a Scottish regiment, and my dad told me that they were called 'the ladies from hell' by the enemy troops. They wore kilts.

He fought in the battle of the Somme, and he was shot twice, in the shoulder, and in the stomach.

He traded his whiskey ration to an enemy soldier for the soldier's water ration. The soldier was dying, and my great-grandfather hoped that the whiskey would give him a bit of relief from his injuries before he succumbed. My grandfather couldn't drink the water, because it had somehow been tainted with petrol. Not drinking the water saved his life.

I don't know how long it was before he was found on that battlefield. More than hours. Possibly days. I don't know how he survived, but he did. He survived that battle, lived out the war. He married, moved to Canada. He had four sons, including my grandfather, who then had my father. My father had my sister and I, and I still bear my great-grandfather's last name. So do my children.

I never met him. He died long before I was born. But I will remember him. Always.
linden_jay: (Jared and his emo hoodie)
I've been out of sorts lately, behind in writing and posting and commenting and tagging in all the games that I'm in, on my journal, on my everywhere. And it's been bugging me and stressing me out when I realized that it's been since sometime in August since I've posted anything, and that I've got a few tags that have been lingering since spring. I hate that. I hate not being organized, and I really hate being behind. And then I started doing the math on things.

In May--there were those baby-creatures who showed up, and a twelve day hospital stay to go along with it.

Summer--baby things, combined with insanely hot temperatures that made doing anything just about impossible.

And then? August hit, and that's when things really fell apart. )
linden_jay: (Gummi Bears--Tools of Revenge)
Isn't part of the fun in having twins that you can conduct experiments?

Like, have one of them watch the Star Wars moving in release order (4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3), and have one of them watch them in numerical order?

Or would that be wrong?

This pondering brought to you by Jay on far too little sleep.
linden_jay: (Firefly- Special hell)
Quick backtrack 'cause I'm an idiot and haven't posted an update--apparently I have a whole fistful of gallstones in my gallbladder. This, apparently, is a bad thing. Ya think? So, I'm seeing the surgeon in about an hour to discuss what's going to happen in terms of getting the annoying and persnickety organ removed. This is something I am not in any way, shape, form, whatever, looking forward to.

But my disappointment in people is different. Today, we received news from one of the AH's cousins, a very close family friend and Anglican priest, that he will be splitting from the Anglican church at large, and joining up with a much more conservative faction, largely because he cannot tolerate the recent progressive stance the church has taken towards homosexuals, and in particular, gay marriage. Which, y'know, is already legal in Canada. Has been for quite some time. But the Anglican church wants their priests to be able to bless same sex marriages in the churches itself. And he can't abide by that.

This is a guy who did a degree in theatre--he's a brilliant actor and singer--and has been performing since he was a little kid. He's kind, he's smart, he's the last person I would have ever expected to take such a negative and conservative stance. And yet, he has.

I'm just... so discouraged about this. I expect better of my country, my friends, and my family. I expect better of a person I've respected and liked since I was sixteen years old. I expect better of the man whose daughter I'm godmother to. And I just... *hands*. I don't know what to say to him. I don't know how to talk to him. And I don't know what to do.
linden_jay: (Linden_jay)
[ profile] linden_jay: Created on 2004-07-05 00:59:04 (#3697125), 570 Journal Entries, 2,538 comments received, 4,325 comments posted

Five years ago today, after about five months of lurking and reading, I decided to bite the bullet and create a livejournal. Not that I thought I'd ever use it, but a lot of people were flocking their porn back then (as it was in the beginning, is now and will be forever, amen), and I didn't want to be left out. Three days later, I created my second journal, joined my first RPG (despite never having written a word of fanfic), and met the first in what would become a series of amazingly wonderful and talented people.

I've made friends who I'm still blessed to call mine. I've lost friends who I still miss, some through burning up, some just faded away. I've co-written millions of words (between the games, fic, and meta verses I write in, no, I'm really not exaggerating). I've traveled for hours by bus and by plane to visit people I'd never seen in person before I stepped off the bus/plane. I've talked on the phone or by voice chat to people from across the country, across the continent, and across the globe. And yes, once that resulted in me accidentally dropping into a North Carolina accent while I was at work, which was embarrassing, but still worth it.

If you're wondering why I'm crossposting an entry about my anniverary on livejournal to other journaling systems, it's because this anniversary isn't just about five year on livejournal. It's about five years of community. Five years of the best and the worst of what the internet, fandom, and online friends and enemies can offer. Five years of laughter, tears, grief. Of death, and of birth. It's about friendship, and knowing that wherever I go in the world, there are couches and spare rooms I can sleep on. It's knowing that I've been able to be there for friends when they needed me, and that when I've needed them, my friends, and complete strangers, have stood up for me.

Once upon a time, I didn't understand how people could think that they could make friends online. How could it be real? You could be talking to anyone! And then, five years ago today, I started a journey that taught me just how wrong I was. So today, I just want to say thank you. To everyone I've known, everyone I know now, and everyone I'm going to meet in the future. For good or for bad, you've all changed and enriched my life in ways that I can't even express. And I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for you. All of you.

With much love,

Jay Linden.
linden_jay: (Candle)
Hey, everyone.

If I get a chance today, I'm going to do a me-update in a separate post, but I wanted to get this out first. I'm fine, the aliens are fine, but I'm going to ask you all for thoughts and prayers right now for my cousin.

Many of you know that my cousin has been pregnant this whole time I have, and the poor thing went overdue two weeks while the aliens ended up being induced and coming all early. She's had her baby now, a little girl, and according to what I've been told on facebook (no one's been able to actually tell me, but it is five am), she's been flown to Children's Hospital with a brain bleed. Her dad is with the baby, my cousin is still in the hospital she delivered in, and they'll be sending her to Children's by ambulance hopefully tomorrow morning.

I don't know anything more than that. I don't know how serious a bleed it is, and the only post I'm seeing is from five hours ago, so I have absolutely no idea what's happened in that five hours.

Please. Prayers, good thoughts, white light, anything you can send for my cousin Jaime, her baby, and the rest of our family.
linden_jay: (Candle)
Strange sentiment, even coming from someone who's not currently working. But this entire weekend ranged from being either a complete waste of makeup, or just plain sad.

I feel petty complaining about the waste of makeup stuff in the same post as the sad stuff though, so I'm gonna just go with the sad.

My dad called me this morning to tell me that my aunt's step-son (cousin by marriage, I suppose) took his life last night. I didn't know him well, although he's certainly been at family gatherings and events that I've been to since my aunt and now-uncle got together, some five or so years ago. But we weren't close, weren't friends. I wish I'd known him better, even though it'd probably be making me sadder right now if I had.

But this is devastating for my aunt's husband, for her, for the surviving brother, and all of the family and friends around him who didn't know he was in that kind of pain. He hid it well, beneath a combination of anger and silence, and nobody guessed until it was well past too late.

I find it hard to talk about suicide because of the range of emotions it spins me into. There's deep sadness, there's grief--for the person who's died, but even more for the people left behind. There's frustration, there's anger. There's regret. And there's a lot of guilt, particularly for those left behind.

I really didn't know him well, although as I said, I wished I'd gotten to know him better. But if you could spare thoughts or prayers for the people in my life who this is hurting so much right now, I'd truly appreciate it.

I don't have a moral lesson in me right now... but just be good to each other. And be good to yourselves, please.


Dec. 25th, 2008 10:17 am
linden_jay: (Christmas)
The blessing of having families who live in the same town and celebrate Christmas on different days is that you get to spend time with both of them. The downside is a lot of driving, a lot of big meals in two days, and a very tired pregnant girl at the end of the day. But it's worth it. Always.

For those of you who celebrate, a very blessed Christmas to you, and your families. To those of you who don't--one more day to Boxing Week sales. Always a good thing.

This year has been a difficult one for a lot of my friends, and this holiday season hasn't proved any easier for some of you. To those who mourn, to those who have family in the hospital, to those who are sick themselves, to those for whom this is not a season of happiness and joy, know that you've got my thoughts, my prayers, and my love.
linden_jay: (Candle)
Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. And take care of those who aren't in a position to advocate or fight for themselves and the rights and treatments that they should have access to.

Support World AIDS Day


Nov. 11th, 2008 10:50 am
linden_jay: (Daisy)

Dulce Et Decorum Est

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of disappointed shells that dropped behind.

GAS! Gas! Quick, boys!-- An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And floundering like a man in fire or lime.--
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,--
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.

Wilfred Owen
linden_jay: (Equilibrium-embrace freedom)
Gay Marriage - pros and cons from an alternative lifestyle supportive straight person. Discuss. *makes hand wavy gesture*

Okay. I have owed [ profile] darknight999 this rant for... lord. I don't even know how long. Long before she asked me for it. But this is one of those subjects where my thoughts tangle around themselves, and I worry that I won't be able to get my words to cooperate properly. But because I love [ profile] darknight999, and because I've promised for a long time, I'm gonna try.

There's more than one issue at play here to start with. )
linden_jay: (Stage manager = God)
When I was doing theatre, there was a set of twins who were two years below me. In their first year, I worked a show with me, and they just utterly impressed me, all the way through. They were smart, they were committed, they were dedicated. I worked three shows with the pair of them that year, and I told them that the next year, when I got to stage manage my own show, I wanted them on the team as ASM's--assistant stage managers.

This was more or less unheard of, since second year students did get to ASM, but they weren't plucked out of first year to do it. They were worth it. One of them was a genius when it came to lighting and organization... excellent at keeping me on track. The other--Ali--was a real stage manager in the making... good with actors, good with crew, a dream to work with.

Ali just died of a heart attack. She was twenty-six. Apparently a virus attacked her heart, and she suffered a series of heart attacks, and they lost her.

I'll be going to the service next weekend. And at some point, I'll probably let myself grieve, but right now I'm too mad. Twenty-six year olds don't die of heart attacks. Thirty year olds don't die of pneumonia. Except that they do.

The fates? Just made my list.


linden_jay: (Default)

February 2012

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