linden_jay (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
linden_jay) wrote2010-02-07 03:44 am
linden_jay) wrote2010-02-07 03:44 am
Entry tags:
*The Fast and The Curious... I mean... wait. That wasn't a real trailer?
Okay... I made a promise to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
apetslife about a million years ago, and then life and babies and distraction happened, and I'm only just now catching up on it. Therefore? It is now time for:
JAY MEETS THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS
(contains spoilers. Many, many spoilers.)
- Man, that's a big cell phone. Oh, memories.
- I wonder if my dad keeps a baseball bat in the cab of his truck (my dad is a professional driver). Either way, I'm pretty sure his solution for someone in a car in front of him trying to break into his truck via a GRAPPLING HOOK would be to, well, speed up and run them over. Or are these already super special secret fast cars?
- I'm just gonna say it right now, Paul. That shade of green in a car is wrong. Your Chucks are cool though. Also your eyes. Okay, I'm a little distracted but... cars. Not really my thing. Especially when they're puke neon green.
- Okay... he hit the dash and swore. Clearly he did something wrong. I feel like I'm Eddie Izzard talking about watching hopscotch. 'What? Did what wrong? Fucked up what? What did they do right? It makes no sense.'
- There's a tuna joke to be made here, but I'm better than that. Right? Right.
- And we're five minutes in, and we've already got soulful gazes from across the room. While the skinny pretty girl gets... the tuna. No. I'm better than this, I promised.
- Also, I have to admit, I've never seen a grown man order a sandwich with the crusts cut off.
- 7:30 in before the first actual gay slur. I guess the tuna must really be that good.
- I'm hoping that someone in this movie has the role of Captain Exposition, because I have no idea what all the car stuff is about. Or what a Nos is.
- Aw. Poor Paul Walker. Everyone has hos but him. He looks glum.
- It's almost embarrassing, watching him with all those tough guys and he's like, look at me, look at me, I want to belong! I want respect! And I kind of want to hide behind one of the cars.
- Okay... before we get to the actual racing part, I just want to check on something, right? Street racing is illegal. And... they want to stop it. Yes? I'm just guessing at this point that it may be part of the plot coming up. So... why don't they just y'know. Follow the giant crowds of people in loud, flashy cars, as they drive in their giant caravans to wherever it is they're going to do this whole racing thing? It might speed things up, is all I'm saying.
- You almost had me/you never had me... there is just... no way that could have been any more gay.
- The ENTIRE POPULATION OF LA is out for this race, dude. Of COURSE you've got cops coming!
- How do they even know which cars to chase? All of them? Some of them? And is a police car really going to catch a street racing car?
- Ohhhh. The Academic Husband says that the copcars are running gaydar, and that's how they know which cars to chase. It all makes sense to me now.
- "Two years in Lompoc. I'll die before I go back." Oh well now. That's one hell of a gun over the mantelpiece. I can't imagine that it's going to come up again though. Surely not.
- Okay, so... the guy with all the tats, the one whose beer Vin took, that's his ex, right? 'Cause he is still so not over it, I'm thinking. And one possessive sonofabitch. My guess is that tattoo boy, he cheated on him, and Vin found out, and that was it, man, but he still thinks that someday, he's gonna be back in again, 'cause it was just one time. Or something. 'Cause boy does he NOT like Paul.
- "He owns you now." Sister girl seems oddly all right with that. Maybe I will like this movie!
- ... and jealous tattoo boy comes back in, after having a tantrum, and KISSES HIM ON TOP OF THE HEAD all HE IS MINE, blond boy, and... I just... got nothing here. Seriously.
- And the wee girl is playing the two dick-swinging boys off each other in the kitchen, and I just... still got nothing.
- Okay, for SERIOUS? They're forcing a hose down the guys throat, and then asking him to kiss the guy's shoes? Okay, I... this must be a mistake. Did I download the PORN version of 'The Fast and the Furious'? The really nasty porn version? I must have.
- 'the only thing that pulled me in was you. your brother's just a bonus'. Oh you LIE like a RUG, blondie!
- We are interspersing a SWAT raid... and sex. Because we realize that the movie has been so gay up until now that we must have some boy-on-girl action, and guns. Well all righty then.
- Vin has hot arms. And Paul's eyes are stupid blue, even behind an eye protector mask thing. There is no other point to this comment besides that.
- You can really tell that Vin is not used to being in the passengers seat, by how jumpy he gets when he and Paul are out on the road. I could really, so spin this into a top/bottom thing, without even breaking a sweat, but I think I'm better than that. Okay, maybe not, but I don't want to pause the movie for long enough to type the SO OMG OBVIOUS characters, so I'll leave it at that.
- And now they're having a talk about their feelings. Seriously. Because Vin can tell that something's wrong with him. I don't EVEN.
- I kind of really like sassy mc leather pants, Vin's girlfriend. She is sassy. And has leather pants. And eats fluffy haired boys for breakfast.
- Yeah. He's confessing that he's a cop to the pretty girl because he's worried about her. I'm sure I believe it. I mean... are they actually trying to sell us on the idea that all of this is because of the pretty girl because it's so, so, so clearly all about Vin. Bless. Not that he doesn't like the pretty girl, mind you. She's pretty and all, but seriously.
- I will admit that I had a moment of being slightly impressed here, because I mean... they had them actually be the bad guys that he was hunting for the whole time. The way this type of movie usually goes is that he goes in suspecting them, and then he falls in love with the hot guy who drives the fast cars. I mean... his sister. His sister is what I mean. And then it turns out that they're actually innocent. But in this movie, they're the criminals. That's unusual.
- So... okay. We're doing the heist thing, but... what happened to the masks. Last time... oh, we're putting on our hats and helmets and whatnot while we're driving? That doesn't seem like the wisest thing I've ever heard of. Oh, only one guy gets a helmet. Which, y'know, if you're car surfing is probably a good idea. Especially if there are shotguns.
- Someone is FIRING A SHOTGUN AT YOUR HEAD, and you took off your helmet? That seems like an extraordinarily bad idea.
- Sassy McLeather pants is AWESOME. And terribly brave. Not in that stupid "for a girl" way, for ANYONE.
- I would just like to say that every decision made in this movie is made by someone thinking with their dick. Including Sassy McLeather pants. But I mean that as a compliment in her case. She has big metaphorical brass ones.
- I mean... not to be all logical and everything whilst talking bout a car movie, but three witnesses, including a cop, just saw him gun a guy down. A guy who took off with a car that the guy with the gun won from him and so forth. I'm...pretty sure they've got a good case against him. What's that, Jay? Don't go nattering on while there are car chases and guns and people flying off motorcycles to be had? Okie dokie!
- That's the first slow-motion, dream-sequency type thing I've ever seen in a movie like this. Odd, that. Oh, there we go again. Maybe when the cars get going really fast, time slows down. It could happen!
- The speeding train is not a metaphor for anything. These are not the droids you're looking for. Move along, move along.
- Wow. An entire movie's worth of conversation taking place only with EYES.
"I can't go back. You know I can't go back. Despite the fact that I'm built like a brick shithouse, and could make anyone in prison my bitch any time I want. It's not like I'd be ruling the place in a week or anything with that whole gravity bullshit my sister sold you but... what were we talking about again?"
'You can't go back.'
"Right. Right, that. They don't let me cook the chicken there, and I'll get salmonella, and I'll die. Do you want me to die?"
'I don't want you to die. You can't die. I love you too much. *puts on big boy britches* I love you enough to let you go. Here. The keys to my bright orange, could-be-seen-from-space car. The federales will never catch you in this.'
"I can't take your car *as he takes keys and makes absolutely no move to give it back because hell, no, he is not going back to prison.* Okay, maybe I can, but only if we exchange actual words and witty reparte, calling back moments from earlier in the film, before I leave your ass on the side of the road to explain how the fuck I got your car from you. 'Cause it's not like they'll suspect anything with me getting away scott free or anything, and them already knowing the giant crush you've got on me."
- (may I note that I'm also impressed that in this movie, he actually has the keys in his hand at this moment. In movies, the keys are always left in the car. Because no one ever carjacks a car with the keys in it, not in TV/movieland.)
- And he speeds off into the sunset, leaving Paul Walker's ass to explain, somehow, how the shiny car, which is untouched, was taken by Vin. I mean, he could have at least clocked him on the jaw and knocked him out or something, make it a little bit believable that he got jacked, instead of just giving him the keys, or... what's that Jay? I'm looking for logic in a movie about race cars and guns and shooting things okay, there's a lot of eyefucking going on too, and absolutely none of it is between the men and the women in this movie and what? Oh. Sorry. Just did it again. Sorry, it's a flaw.
That? Was hilarious. And the single gayest movie I think I've ever seen. Also, movie number 3 of 2010.
Okay,apetslife. Your turn. White Collar on 3, 2, 1....
*The Fast and the Curious trailer, for those who haven't seen it...
apetslife about a million years ago, and then life and babies and distraction happened, and I'm only just now catching up on it. Therefore? It is now time for:JAY MEETS THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS
(contains spoilers. Many, many spoilers.)
- Man, that's a big cell phone. Oh, memories.
- I wonder if my dad keeps a baseball bat in the cab of his truck (my dad is a professional driver). Either way, I'm pretty sure his solution for someone in a car in front of him trying to break into his truck via a GRAPPLING HOOK would be to, well, speed up and run them over. Or are these already super special secret fast cars?
- I'm just gonna say it right now, Paul. That shade of green in a car is wrong. Your Chucks are cool though. Also your eyes. Okay, I'm a little distracted but... cars. Not really my thing. Especially when they're puke neon green.
- Okay... he hit the dash and swore. Clearly he did something wrong. I feel like I'm Eddie Izzard talking about watching hopscotch. 'What? Did what wrong? Fucked up what? What did they do right? It makes no sense.'
- There's a tuna joke to be made here, but I'm better than that. Right? Right.
- And we're five minutes in, and we've already got soulful gazes from across the room. While the skinny pretty girl gets... the tuna. No. I'm better than this, I promised.
- Also, I have to admit, I've never seen a grown man order a sandwich with the crusts cut off.
- 7:30 in before the first actual gay slur. I guess the tuna must really be that good.
- I'm hoping that someone in this movie has the role of Captain Exposition, because I have no idea what all the car stuff is about. Or what a Nos is.
- Aw. Poor Paul Walker. Everyone has hos but him. He looks glum.
- It's almost embarrassing, watching him with all those tough guys and he's like, look at me, look at me, I want to belong! I want respect! And I kind of want to hide behind one of the cars.
- Okay... before we get to the actual racing part, I just want to check on something, right? Street racing is illegal. And... they want to stop it. Yes? I'm just guessing at this point that it may be part of the plot coming up. So... why don't they just y'know. Follow the giant crowds of people in loud, flashy cars, as they drive in their giant caravans to wherever it is they're going to do this whole racing thing? It might speed things up, is all I'm saying.
- You almost had me/you never had me... there is just... no way that could have been any more gay.
- The ENTIRE POPULATION OF LA is out for this race, dude. Of COURSE you've got cops coming!
- How do they even know which cars to chase? All of them? Some of them? And is a police car really going to catch a street racing car?
- Ohhhh. The Academic Husband says that the copcars are running gaydar, and that's how they know which cars to chase. It all makes sense to me now.
- "Two years in Lompoc. I'll die before I go back." Oh well now. That's one hell of a gun over the mantelpiece. I can't imagine that it's going to come up again though. Surely not.
- Okay, so... the guy with all the tats, the one whose beer Vin took, that's his ex, right? 'Cause he is still so not over it, I'm thinking. And one possessive sonofabitch. My guess is that tattoo boy, he cheated on him, and Vin found out, and that was it, man, but he still thinks that someday, he's gonna be back in again, 'cause it was just one time. Or something. 'Cause boy does he NOT like Paul.
- "He owns you now." Sister girl seems oddly all right with that. Maybe I will like this movie!
- ... and jealous tattoo boy comes back in, after having a tantrum, and KISSES HIM ON TOP OF THE HEAD all HE IS MINE, blond boy, and... I just... got nothing here. Seriously.
- And the wee girl is playing the two dick-swinging boys off each other in the kitchen, and I just... still got nothing.
- Okay, for SERIOUS? They're forcing a hose down the guys throat, and then asking him to kiss the guy's shoes? Okay, I... this must be a mistake. Did I download the PORN version of 'The Fast and the Furious'? The really nasty porn version? I must have.
- 'the only thing that pulled me in was you. your brother's just a bonus'. Oh you LIE like a RUG, blondie!
- We are interspersing a SWAT raid... and sex. Because we realize that the movie has been so gay up until now that we must have some boy-on-girl action, and guns. Well all righty then.
- Vin has hot arms. And Paul's eyes are stupid blue, even behind an eye protector mask thing. There is no other point to this comment besides that.
- You can really tell that Vin is not used to being in the passengers seat, by how jumpy he gets when he and Paul are out on the road. I could really, so spin this into a top/bottom thing, without even breaking a sweat, but I think I'm better than that. Okay, maybe not, but I don't want to pause the movie for long enough to type the SO OMG OBVIOUS characters, so I'll leave it at that.
- And now they're having a talk about their feelings. Seriously. Because Vin can tell that something's wrong with him. I don't EVEN.
- I kind of really like sassy mc leather pants, Vin's girlfriend. She is sassy. And has leather pants. And eats fluffy haired boys for breakfast.
- Yeah. He's confessing that he's a cop to the pretty girl because he's worried about her. I'm sure I believe it. I mean... are they actually trying to sell us on the idea that all of this is because of the pretty girl because it's so, so, so clearly all about Vin. Bless. Not that he doesn't like the pretty girl, mind you. She's pretty and all, but seriously.
- I will admit that I had a moment of being slightly impressed here, because I mean... they had them actually be the bad guys that he was hunting for the whole time. The way this type of movie usually goes is that he goes in suspecting them, and then he falls in love with the hot guy who drives the fast cars. I mean... his sister. His sister is what I mean. And then it turns out that they're actually innocent. But in this movie, they're the criminals. That's unusual.
- So... okay. We're doing the heist thing, but... what happened to the masks. Last time... oh, we're putting on our hats and helmets and whatnot while we're driving? That doesn't seem like the wisest thing I've ever heard of. Oh, only one guy gets a helmet. Which, y'know, if you're car surfing is probably a good idea. Especially if there are shotguns.
- Someone is FIRING A SHOTGUN AT YOUR HEAD, and you took off your helmet? That seems like an extraordinarily bad idea.
- Sassy McLeather pants is AWESOME. And terribly brave. Not in that stupid "for a girl" way, for ANYONE.
- I would just like to say that every decision made in this movie is made by someone thinking with their dick. Including Sassy McLeather pants. But I mean that as a compliment in her case. She has big metaphorical brass ones.
- I mean... not to be all logical and everything whilst talking bout a car movie, but three witnesses, including a cop, just saw him gun a guy down. A guy who took off with a car that the guy with the gun won from him and so forth. I'm...pretty sure they've got a good case against him. What's that, Jay? Don't go nattering on while there are car chases and guns and people flying off motorcycles to be had? Okie dokie!
- That's the first slow-motion, dream-sequency type thing I've ever seen in a movie like this. Odd, that. Oh, there we go again. Maybe when the cars get going really fast, time slows down. It could happen!
- The speeding train is not a metaphor for anything. These are not the droids you're looking for. Move along, move along.
- Wow. An entire movie's worth of conversation taking place only with EYES.
"I can't go back. You know I can't go back. Despite the fact that I'm built like a brick shithouse, and could make anyone in prison my bitch any time I want. It's not like I'd be ruling the place in a week or anything with that whole gravity bullshit my sister sold you but... what were we talking about again?"
'You can't go back.'
"Right. Right, that. They don't let me cook the chicken there, and I'll get salmonella, and I'll die. Do you want me to die?"
'I don't want you to die. You can't die. I love you too much. *puts on big boy britches* I love you enough to let you go. Here. The keys to my bright orange, could-be-seen-from-space car. The federales will never catch you in this.'
"I can't take your car *as he takes keys and makes absolutely no move to give it back because hell, no, he is not going back to prison.* Okay, maybe I can, but only if we exchange actual words and witty reparte, calling back moments from earlier in the film, before I leave your ass on the side of the road to explain how the fuck I got your car from you. 'Cause it's not like they'll suspect anything with me getting away scott free or anything, and them already knowing the giant crush you've got on me."
- (may I note that I'm also impressed that in this movie, he actually has the keys in his hand at this moment. In movies, the keys are always left in the car. Because no one ever carjacks a car with the keys in it, not in TV/movieland.)
- And he speeds off into the sunset, leaving Paul Walker's ass to explain, somehow, how the shiny car, which is untouched, was taken by Vin. I mean, he could have at least clocked him on the jaw and knocked him out or something, make it a little bit believable that he got jacked, instead of just giving him the keys, or... what's that Jay? I'm looking for logic in a movie about race cars and guns and shooting things okay, there's a lot of eyefucking going on too, and absolutely none of it is between the men and the women in this movie and what? Oh. Sorry. Just did it again. Sorry, it's a flaw.
That? Was hilarious. And the single gayest movie I think I've ever seen. Also, movie number 3 of 2010.
Okay,
apetslife. Your turn. White Collar on 3, 2, 1....*The Fast and the Curious trailer, for those who haven't seen it...
no subject
There is SO MUCH FIC about this exact thing. HEEEEE. And in the second movie, Poor Brian has actually gotten his ass fired for letting Dom go!
Dude, I am cracking up. CRACKING. UP. Heeeeee. YAY FAST AND FURIOUS!
no subject
(You know he made up that nickname. And don't you know the rules? You can't give yourself a nickname, CUTMAN!)
I think I sprained something watching this movie.
no subject
And I did write post-movie fanfic way back when. What? It practically writes itself. *g*
no subject
The movie IS fanfic. They had a talk about their FEELINGS. At a restaurant. On a DATE. I mean... SERIOUSLY.