linden_jay: (Otter is sleepy)
Sigh. The Frog did not sleep. I know, right? Shock. He's still sick, still snotty, and I think he keeps trying to breathe through his nose in the middle of the night, not being able to do it, and freaking himself out into a coughing fit because of it. Every. 45. to. 90. Minutes. Good grief on toast.

You know it's bad when the babies are so tired and snarky that they can't get through a bowl of applesauce. Take a bite, lip tremble, SOB. Only an hour after they wake up. Okay, back to bed for you. Never mind that Mummy hasn't slept yet, that's immaterial! Clearly we need a nap! Except... why are you bouncing in your crib? Two minutes ago you were so tired you were rubbing apple sauce in your eyes and hair... and now you're bouncing? WOT? That makes NO SENSE.

Babies are freaks, man. Also possibly evil.

I was already prepared for today to suck. I'm a month away from running out of maternity leave (I know, cry moar you Canadian, with your year long paid maternity leave), but that means that I need to find more work. Because my job won't start up again until September, because that's when the new school year starts.

There are two things I hate more than anything in the world: doing the cold call walk in the door and drop off a resume thing, and training for a new job once I get the new job. HATE HATE HATE. I hate not being good at things. I hate the fucking up until you get it right stage. Plus, I'm convinced that my resume looks like it was put together by a particularly intelligent Shi-tzu.

I think that I don't hear babies. Oh please, please let me be right. I am so tired.
linden_jay: (Get Fuzzy- Dear Lord Make it stop)
I remember when baby sneezes were cute. Kind of wee tiny and precious and adorable. That lasts as long as them getting their first icky disgusting head cold. Which, okay, they're mostly better now--no fevers, not so congested that they can't function, but they're still coughing, and there's still STUFF. It's like they're little ticking time bombs of gross. Look at them wrong, and they EXPLODE.

And of course, their little noses are sore, so trying to mop them up with a tissue or a cloth, no matter how gentle, produces shrieks so loud that any minute now someone is going to knock on my door and ask me what on earth I am DOING to those children you horrible woman.

This is my world right now. Grumpy, post-cold, current-disgusting children who think sleep and tissues should be outlawed under the Geneva Convention. The next person that tells me that having twins must be so much fun/omg, I wish I had twins/it can't be that much harder than a single baby? They're getting kicked in the shins.

With steel toed boots. I'm just saying.
linden_jay: (Get Fuzzy- Dear Lord Make it stop)
I have a case of the pouts.

My boy is away, which was my idea in the first place, and I'm very glad he went and got some time off and had a vacation, because the last year or more has been really rough on him. Yes, it's been rough on me too, with the being pregnant and having twins and having two surgeries, but he's been the one who picked up the slack in absolutely every area of our lives, and done it amazingly, while working full time as a substitute teacher (which he really doesn't like, which is even more exhausting). So I don't resent him being away at all.

But this week has sucked. )
linden_jay: (Kitten- shite)
Fuck.

So, yeah. We've had family visiting this weekend, and that's been stressful, as well as completely blowing any sleep schedule that the babies have to shit, not that they take to scheduling all that well at the best of times. But you can guarantee that when they get home at 10pm, it's not gonna do anything good for getting them to sleep, and to sleep well. So two nights this weekend, it's been pretty much a wash as far as having them sleep anything even close to resembling the night. So I've been up with them a couple times a night, which I'm used to, but I've been struggling with sleep myself by the time I finally get them both down, or it's late enough so the Academic Husband can take over if they do wake up.

This whole time, we've had a double bed in the nursery, and one of us has always slept in the same room as the babies, either having one in each room, or both in the nursery and one of us in there. But they've been finally sleeping longer than 2 hours at a time (thank you Frog), so I decided to move the bed into the office, which is right next to the nursery, freeing up some room in the nursery for a couple of dressers, which we really need because baby clothes spawn more baby clothes. Especially socks.

It was six am before I think I finally went to sleep at all, maybe later, and the boy got a call that he had to work, so I had to be up again by eight. I got up, hung out with the babies, and since they were cranky (unsurprising), I put them both down to sleep by about eight thirty. Frog in the master bedroom in a playpen, Monkey in the nursery in her crib. I usually split them up for naps so that they don't disturb each other if one sleeps longer.

And I thought, hey, since I'm exhausted off my ass, why don't I try that 'sleep while the baby sleeps' thing that I've been hearing about. Apparently all the cool kids are doing it. So I went into the office (so not to disturb the Frog sleeping in the master bedroom) and curled up under the covers.

And I wake up at about 12:30, with my mom standing at the foot of my bed.

She and my husband had been trying to reach me, and couldn't. They called my cell phone, which was right next to my head. I didn't hear it. They called the land line, which is very loud and annoying. I didn't hear it. So my mom decided to swing by on her lunch break and find out if we were all sleeping. Oh, I was sleeping all right. But the babies weren't. They were in hysterics, screaming and crying, and I didn't hear it. Not a bit of it. I just kept sleeping. And there's no way for me to know how long they were crying like that.

So my mom calmed my sobbing children down, fed them lunch, woke me to check on me, let me sleep another hour or so, then woke me up for a shower before she left around two. And right now, I feel so guilty and horrible about the whole thing that I could either burst into tears or throw up. Maybe both.
linden_jay: (Get Fuzzy- Dear Lord Make it stop)
2010 is here, and thank fuck for that. Seriously. I have never had a year that I was so happy to see end as 2009, and I know it's been that way for a lot of people that I love. So goodbye, 2009. Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you, as they say. I got two good things in 2009, and they're both sleeping right now, which is another thing I'm grateful for. I might do some of those retrospective things in the next day or so, if I can stop hissing at 2009 long enough to get them typed. But for tonight, at least:

The Bad )

The Good )

What's sad? I know I've missed some of the bad stuff, but I'm pretty sure that I got all of the good stuff.

Anyway--goodbye, 2009. You will not be missed.

*From my 2010 'The Daily Bitch' calendar, which I was given for Christmas by my mother in law. I love that our relationship is such that she can give me a Daily Bitch calendar, and she knows it'll make me laugh. I'm planning on using them as my status messages for the year, as I try and post more.
linden_jay: (Daniel Craig does not give a damn)
... my desktop just died. Will not turn on. Possible doorstop.

Fuck my life.
linden_jay: (Jared and his emo hoodie)
I've been out of sorts lately, behind in writing and posting and commenting and tagging in all the games that I'm in, on my journal, on my everywhere. And it's been bugging me and stressing me out when I realized that it's been since sometime in August since I've posted anything, and that I've got a few tags that have been lingering since spring. I hate that. I hate not being organized, and I really hate being behind. And then I started doing the math on things.

In May--there were those baby-creatures who showed up, and a twelve day hospital stay to go along with it.

Summer--baby things, combined with insanely hot temperatures that made doing anything just about impossible.

And then? August hit, and that's when things really fell apart. )
linden_jay: (Buffy- Aren't you just going oooo?)
... and this time I'm happy about it. I got a call from the Academic Husband at about 2pm today telling me not to make any plans for dinner 'because I was going to be back in hospital'. He'd been here all day, since I'd had a mini crash and burn Saturday night with the back and forth.

It had started to feel like they weren't even really my babies, that they belonged to the hospital, and that I got to cuddle and feed them once in awhile, as long as I was properly supervised. I knew that wasn't how it really was, but it felt like that. I cried the whole way home from the hospital Saturday night, and spent the whole night, morning, and early afternoon at home, while the boy took the day shift at the hospital. Thank goodness for nurses we felt comfortable leaving the babies with overnight.

But now I'm back, and unless the whole world falls down around the hospital's ears, I shouldn't be leaving again until it's with them! Yes, I am utterly, totally giddy to be in the hospital. Maybe that means there's something wrong with me, but this time, I think I get a note excusing my crazy.

And oh! Boy baby (Thing One) took his whole last feed by bottle, and girl baby (Thing Two) took almost all of hers. We're getting closer!!!!!!!

Love you, miss you, and can't wait until we're all home!
linden_jay: (Daniel Craig does not give a damn)
Okay, for one? I live in a town that has way too high of a redneck to non-redneck population. I'm just sayin'. There is a dad in the room with me right now, and he's watching like, extreme boxing with crocodile wrestling or... I don't know, something along those lines. Very relaxing. Not.

So, I'm here. I have no room, but I'm here. And hooray for hospital bureaucracy, because here I sit, blinking awake in the patient lounge, waiting it out for the next 30 minutes, when I'm good to pump again... and there are literally five empty beds. I counted. So, you know, it's a really good thing that the hospital administrators finally stomped their feet and kicked me out, because clearly we were just DESPERATE for space up here .

And because of hospital rules, and because they'd have to clean the room and all, they can't let me go in there and crash between feedings, because clearly it's better for me to fold my 5'7'' self into a pretzel on the love seat in here than it would have been for me to stay. Yeah. I'm still really, really bitter.

To update from previous posts--my cousin's baby did have a brain bleed, and had surgery for it last night. My cousin has since been transferred to her daughter's hospital, and they're saying that the surgery was performed successfully. They think they took care of the whole thing, and that they'll both be coming home soon. Probably sooner than mine will. Thank you all so much for your prayers and good thoughts. Please keep them up--this was brain surgery on a not even day old infant. You can't have too many prayers, I think.

My guys are doing well. They're still wee, they're still having trouble with eating on their own, but we're getting there. Slowly, but I don't want to rush them, as much as I'm desperate to get them home. It's no good if I get them home only to have to take them back.

In a few months, I'll probably look back on all this and it won't seem so bad. It's already been a week (as of 30 minutes from now, anyway--I was literally having babies this time last week, so my babies are almost a week old!), so no matter what, we're a week closer to getting them home. It just doesn't feel like it's ever going to happen right now. Going home without them was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Walking around the house, seeing all the baby stuff, and no babies there. I went into the hospital with aliens. I wanted to leave the hospital with aliens. But, on the other side, I will. They're healthy, they're beautiful, and they will come home.

I badly want to post pictures, but I just can't get it done until I have some time on my home computer to upload them. I promise, I'll do it as soon as I can.

Miss you all. So, so much.
linden_jay: (Supernatural- This sucks out loud)
I have been discharged and am at home.

The babies have not, and are not.

I kind of hate everything right now.

Sleeping.
linden_jay: (Default)
When I went into the nursery to feed this morning, they greeted me with new hats on the babies and happy one week birthday greetings. The people here really are totally lovely.

I had my expected meltdown yesterday... I'd been doing way too long for way too well with my zen, and it lasted right up until they told me they were probably going to have to send me home yesterday. I listened to the doctor (who is pissed as hell that I might have to go home before the babies, and her level of pissed offishness is nothing compared to the nurses, which is nothing compared to the pediatrician, who wrote a bitchy note to the hospital bed assigning people saying that he wants me to stay. They're trying really hard, and if they can at all manage it, they will. It still sucks.

I called my mom right afterward, said "I'm okay, they're okay, now I need to sob in your ear for fifteen minutes straight". So far, I'm still here, but we're making plans for if I can't stay much longer, just in case.

The babies are doing really, really well. Healthwise they're awesome, it's just feeding that they need to figure out. Basically, they have to be feeding entirely on their own, without the tubes, for 24 hours, pass their carseat test, and keep holding their temperature in order to go home. We're still working on nursing every feed, and we're bottle feeding every alternate feed. Whatever they can't get by bottle goes in their tube, and on the alternate feeds they just nurse and get tube fed.

I'm exhausted, and doing the best I can to get sleep. That's today's real mission for me--to nap as much as is possible, more than I usually do. I'll probably even block off from visitors except my parents and inlaws. The boy is, of course, not a visitor, he is the boy and may come and go as he pleases. Oh man. When I have more time, expect a gushing post about how freaking amazing he's being, for serious. Just the baby talking voice whilst talking about Radiohead and politics alone is awesome.

Okay. Must go sleep. Love you all, miss you all so much. I want to answer comments and emails so badly, but I just don't have the time right now, which sucks! Please know that I've read them all, and that you really should be careful about being so sweet to a just-had-aliens chick... don't you know we have extra hormones and are all emotional? HEE!

Love so much.

omg sick.

Feb. 6th, 2008 08:52 am
linden_jay: (Get Fuzzy- Dear Lord Make it stop)
So, yeah, I decided to call in sick to work today when I realized I was so dizzy and gross feeling that I wasn't sure I could stand without falling on my head, let alone drive. Considering I don't get sick days, I think that also proves that I'm feeling pretty frelling crappy.

I already fired January, and I really don't want to have to fire February too, but come on. In the past less-than-two-weeks, I have: cut for whining in list form... )

But on a good note--a VERY good note--the Academic Husband finally got an actual job, instead of eternally substituting. A job that's in his field, no less. It's a long term TOC contract that goes from now to the end of the year, 50% course load, and it means that he'll get what's called a continuing contract for next year. Which means a really-real job next year, with benefits and everything. After nearly five years of working as a sub (interrupted for Master/Doctoral studies, but still), this is an utter and absolute godsend for us.

So, yes, a lot of crap, but my boy has a job. So I'll drink orange juice and deal, now that I've had my whine.
linden_jay: (Stage manager = God)
When I was doing theatre, there was a set of twins who were two years below me. In their first year, I worked a show with me, and they just utterly impressed me, all the way through. They were smart, they were committed, they were dedicated. I worked three shows with the pair of them that year, and I told them that the next year, when I got to stage manage my own show, I wanted them on the team as ASM's--assistant stage managers.

This was more or less unheard of, since second year students did get to ASM, but they weren't plucked out of first year to do it. They were worth it. One of them was a genius when it came to lighting and organization... excellent at keeping me on track. The other--Ali--was a real stage manager in the making... good with actors, good with crew, a dream to work with.

Ali just died of a heart attack. She was twenty-six. Apparently a virus attacked her heart, and she suffered a series of heart attacks, and they lost her.

I'll be going to the service next weekend. And at some point, I'll probably let myself grieve, but right now I'm too mad. Twenty-six year olds don't die of heart attacks. Thirty year olds don't die of pneumonia. Except that they do.

The fates? Just made my list.
linden_jay: (Supernatural- This sucks out loud)
Two ear infections in two weeks. Which fate did I piss off, and what kind of gift basket will make things up to them so that this doesn't happen again, please, because OW OW OW OW OW! I made it to church for the first time in ages, and I had to leave after the sermon because the volume from the singing was making me just about cry, it hurt so bad. And not because they sucked either--these are Lutherans, and they've got pipes.

Over an hour in the walk in clinic later, I've got my ears flushed, I'm out of pain, and I get to go home with the instruction to blow dry my ear to avoid infection. Ah, modern medicine. Now I'm off to dinner with my in-laws (they're German/Norwegian Lutheran--dinner means lunch), and then an engagement party for a cousin, after which I am coming home and curling up in my chair and not leaving for the whole day. Because OW, damn it.

In other news, I was working on answering stuff for this meme, and I kind of accidentally turned the SPN one into an actual ficlet, or whatever you call something that's over 500 words and less than a thousand. Um. How the crap did that happen? I'll post it later today or tomorrow.

Okay--off to do family stuff. Happy Sunday everyone!

*sigh*

Aug. 21st, 2007 03:37 pm
linden_jay: (Firefly- If wishes were horses)
Okay, know what? It's someone elses turn, m'kay? I'm done. Too much nonsense, fate, do you hear me?

Probably not.

So, I need a place to live. )

And here comes the part where I rant. )
linden_jay: (Prozac Nation- Depression)
So it's been just over a week now since we came back to the town we both grew up in, and moved back in with my in-laws.

God, it sounds kind of pathetic worded like that *shudder*. All right, moving on.

Longwinded babbling about moving, work, family, stress, medication, and depression, below the cut. )
linden_jay: (Get Fuzzy- Dear Lord Make it stop)
So... two days. Well, two days and five hours, if we want to be all technical, until we get on a plane and head way out west. Our stuff gets picked up on Thursday sometime, then we've got the rest of the day to clean an apartment that's empty of everything but what we'll be flying out with on Friday morning.

We're not ready. We're closer than I think we are, I know that, but we're not ready, and I wanted to be ready. We've done so many last minute, hell, last second moves, working it down to the wire, and I wanted this to be the one that was organized and relaxed and not stressed out. Guess that's why you're not supposed to get the death plague-flu for well over a week before a cross country move.

We've gotten rid of and sold a lot of stuff, and we've gotten most of the difficult stuff packed up and boxed, but there's still a bunch of things we couldn't get rid of or sell that now we're either going to have to pay to ship or abandon, and there's still that stupid random crap that you can't quite get rid of scattered all over the apartment. Which is making me half crazy.

And I still feel like shit, although a lot less like shit than I did this time last week. But I still get tired way too easy, I'm coughing my guts out, and weak and gross and just UGH. Hate this.

I know it'll get done, because, well, it has to. But it's going to be hard, and frustrating, and I'm just tired of it all right now. I'm a big kitty macro going DO NOT WANT.
linden_jay: (Get Fuzzy- Dear Lord Make it stop)


I am so fucking sick, oh my god. This time, next week, I am going to be on a plane that's just minutes from landing in British Columbia. I'm not done packing, haven't even started cleaning, and I can barely lift my arms. This... death flu, or whatever the hell it is has completely drained me of energy, and I've got the strength of a wee little kitten. I can make it from the bedroom to bathroom to computer, even though I end up breathless and almost panting just from making that short of a trip, and I have to lean on the damned walls to make it there without falling over. I can't taste anything and I'm not at all hungry, so I'm having to force myself to eat. I'm sleeping 10-12 hours at a time, and I still feel exhausted.

If I had the energy required to pull it off, I have a feeling I'd be in a full-blown panic attack about how little time is left until we move and how much is left to get done, and the fact that I can't DO anything. I mean, I really actually can't. I've tried. I can't stand up without getting exhausted and dizzy and having to go sit down again. I can't lift anything that weighs more than my CAT (and just the little one that's about six pounds, not the bigger one that's ten pounds). Just taking a shower yesterday put me out of commission for about half the day. This just... gah, this just SUCKS. I don't have time for this right now, and I'm frustrated and annoyed and I feel GROSS and I want my mommy.

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